If you’ve not read the 1st part, why? why would you deny yourself premium gossip?
Later that evening, I went for a story telling event hosted by Abuja Storyteller held at the Cube Cafe Maitama and If you think this “white-est” thing I have done yet wait till I tell you about going kayaking and my plans to go skydiving in the future. I however won’t dive into the details because I see your impatient eyes scanning, trying to skip through this. WAIT, be patient, relax, chill your nerves… All I will tell you about the event is that it was super awesome, it made me feel like a child again and I will be attending the next one :). It’s funny how I never regarded Storytelling as an Art form until I was blown away by the superb performance by Mara Menzies at the 2018 KABAFEST. I guess growing up in an African home listening to stories about our ancestry, traditions, folktales and the occasional Bible stories ever so often from my parents and grandparents really took the “Art” out of it in a sense. It was just something that happened naturally so I took it for granted. To me they were simply, stories.
Back to this story
Nothing “bad” happened that night on my way home. It was the perfect end to a totally amazing day. I was super excited when I got home, grinning from chin to chin and made a post that I was the happiest I had ever been. Apparently, the devil must have gone to bed early.
Fast forward to Sunday, the day the devil tried to reduce my “bride price”
I was really excited when we got back from church because I had planned quite “the outing”. While my sister was yapping about what we would have for lunch, I was running off to get ice and snacks for our picnic.
Oh, you thought we were just gonna kayak and go home? See ehn, my people have a saying that if you want to eat a frog, eat the biggest frog so that when you’re accused of being a frog eater you will stand proud. In the same way I was going to have the “white-est” weekend of my life yet. I was gonna do it to the best of my finance.
I do realize how racist I sound whenever I say I’m doing “white people” things. I do realize it.
At this point, I didn’t care much for hunger, I just wanted to get everything we needed on time. If you didn’t know anything about me, here’s a free fact; I am a sucker for going unnecessary early everywhere (a “white” characteristic). As a bonus fact; I hate to be kept waiting.
Our rendezvous time was 2pm so naturally by 1pm I started calling my friends to make sure we were all on schedule and as typical Nigerians they were all already ready. My friends are not liars, they are just women.
By 1:30pm I was dressed and literally begging my sister to just pick any of her 300 sneakers and put it on. “Stop asking me if this goes with this, it goes!!!” I was almost yelling at her when she took off the third shoe because it didn’t match what she was wearing. SHE WAS WEARING NAVY BLUE JEANS.
On getting to the stadium, I got lost. This was why I wanted to leave earlier in the 1st place. I’m no stranger to the stadium but I had never been to the lakeside and I wanted to get there and setup before my friends arrived. Instead, I found myself at the car park of the cricket field (I didn’t know we played cricket in Nigeria). A match was ongoing, so I approached someone standing at the entrance and got proper directions. As I started backing out of the parking lot which was jam-packed, a call came in from one of my friends. Before I could hear what Osen was saying, I heard that sound that all drivers hate to hear. that sound that tells you you have exceeded your intended destination. My sister screamed out my name and I hit the breaks immediately. I had hit someone’s car.
Aye Aye you don hit my car… If you said Oyibo repete, you are an OG. chop knuckle.
I called Osen back and she had arrived at Package A of the stadium her friend from where I was supposed to pick them up to join us at Package B. The Abuja National Stadium is divided into two parts by a bridge. The Main Bowl where the football pitch and tracks are, is Package A while the Basketball court, Swimming pool, Tennis court and other sports including Cricket are all located at the other half – Package B. Due to my present predicament, I couldn’t pick them up so they had to take directions from the security at the gate who directed them through a longer route. Like that wasn’t pressure enough, I just got off the phone with Haleema who was on her way too. Perfect fucking timing!
Needless to say, I started sweating in weird places.
My sister was sitting relaxed scrolling through her Instagram feed like we just made an order and was waiting for it to be delivered, totally unbothered. Maybe she was acting, so I tried my best to act like I wasn’t about to scream.
Where are magic powers when you need them? I came out to inspect the damage and thankfully it wasn’t that bad. I know how I painted the picture, but trust me it wasn’t that bad and as a good Nigerian that I am, I went up to one of the assisting officials and asked him to make an announcement so that I can inform the owner of the car of what I had done. To my greatest surprise two Indians emerged. oh, Cricket!… (Oyibo repete!!!)
…if you laughed, you’re racist too and if you say black people cannot be racist, you said it.
“Good afternoon gentlemen” I said, sounding so calm while extending my hand to shake theirs. I hit your car as I was trying to reverse and I would like to pay for the damages… it’s a small scratch, you can come and take a look. Before I could even finish reciting my rehearsed speech calmly, the shorter of the two started running towards the car and his first expression was “you Nigerians”.
Chai we don suffer! See who dey talk oh, if I konk you enter ground ehn… na because say I no run?
That was my exact thought but I obviously couldn’t say that out loud. I extended an olive branch, so I had to stay in character. I was really hoping they would wave if off and say don’t worry about it cause I only had N500 in my pocket. After the tall one who I assumed to be the owner of the car finished accessing the damage, he said he would call his driver to come and take a look at it before they will decide on how much to pay.
That sweat in weird places started to appear in visible places but the sun was also out and burning so we shall blame the sun, okay? cool.
As Mohammed the driver confirmed that he was on his way and it would take him about 20 minutes to get here, I asked them to let me go and set up at location but their trust issues wouldn’t let them let me leave (I can’t say I blame them). I gave them my phone as collateral and left to setup with my sister at the lakeside. I quickly left her in charge and hurried back to meet them. On getting my phone back I had missed calls from Haleema and Osen. Talk about handling pressure like a boss, I directed Haleema to come meet me, while Osen and her friend were still playing “Dana the explorer”. At this point, I really couldn’t help them so they were gonna get some much needed tan.
Soon after Haleema arrived, Mohammed came too (don’t grin nasty child). After he spoke with the Indians, they told me I could go 🙂 . He must have convinced them that it was nothing major (like I told you). I don’t know how my nostrils managed it, but the air I exhaled could grow a forest.
Everything was reverting back to the plan I initially had in my head. After we had worked our arms paddling, we proceeded to have an amazing picnic. I can’t begin describe the fun we were having, it was everything I dreamed of and more. That was until a call from an unknown number came in.
I totally forgot I made an order the previous day in all my excitement and the delivery man was at the house. “I’ll be there in 10 mins Sir, I just stepped out” – as I ended the call, I excused myself from the gang and ran towards the car, only turning back to scream, “I’ll be back” (yeah, terminator style). Got to the car as fast as my legs could carry me barely breaking a sweat, put that baby in reverse and deliberately looked around properly before hitting the gas. Can you blame me?
I proceeded to drive like a GTA character because I had committed myself to 10 mins and I keep to my words more often than not. It’s times like this I’m thankful to God I live in Abuja, because; Wide Roads!!! I got to him in no time, picked up the package and was about to get in the car when I noticed a pool of water coming from underneath the car. I was sure it wasn’t from my car because I just drove it here and there was no high temperature indication or smoke coming from the bonnet. I decided to get on my knee and check regardless just to be sure, and boy was I wrong. It was as if someone forgot to tightly close a tap in my engine. I popped the bonnet and to my greatest surprise water vapour was leaking from a pipe underneath the engine block.
What sort of rubbish is this? Why now? Well, better now since I was home right?
I had to wait for about 30 minutes for the car to cool down before I proceeded to replace all the water that had been lost. I couldn’t risk taking this car back so I went in the house and grabbed the keys to the second car which had no fuel in it. In my hurry, I hit my neighbors car on the way out. Luckily for me it was “another light scratch”. I decided on the spot that it was not worth disturbing their peace over and further wasting my time as It was already after 6pm and I was already getting calls from my sister who was worried at this point. I couldn’t explain over the phone so I told her I was on my way.
After getting fuel at a close by filling station, I attempted to repeat my reckless GTA style driving to save time but before I could even go far, I hit a taxi man.
NOT AGAIN?! THIS AIN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME… (in Keri Hilson’s voice)
Luckily AGAIN, it was nothing major AGAIN. Coupled with the fact that the taxi was already pretty beat up, he didn’t even bother to get out and access the damage.
I GUESS WHAT IS DEAD CAN NEVER DIE
I apologized and continued my reckless driving because at this point, I was furious, angry, and my “fuck it” meter was at it’s max. The car simultaneously began to cry out too but I ignored it. If I perish I perish.
My only goal was to get to the stadium ASAP and get my friends out of there. On getting there I checked the car, not because I cared much for it but only to make sure it would get us back. Would you believe this one had started overheating too? Remember everything I said about being furious and angry and reckless? Quick maths; raise all that by the power of 3.
Leaving the bonnet open to let out the steam and possibly cool the engine, I proceeded to gather my friends and supplies back to the car. They obviously had questions about why the car was different but I wasn’t in the chatting mood. I returned to the engine and without thinking, I opened the radiator cover which was physically hot to the touch with my bare hands because I was angry and I was greeted by an eruption of hot water.
Notice how anger tends to cloud good judgement? Earlier, I had applied good judgement but this time I was impatient. Thanks to God for some quick reflexes, the water narrowly missed my eyes and hit my forehead instead. Remember your previous answer? Now raise the total to the power of crazy. I could swear I was breathing out fire at this point so I poured ice water from the cooler on my face and into the radiator. I couldn’t find a rag to dry out the water that splashed all over the electrical components in the engine so I said; fuck it, no wahala and slammed the bonnet shut.
Needless to say, I drove out worse than I drove in.
Thinking about it all when I got calm, I realised how quickly a bad situation became worse because of the way I chose to react. Maybe the devil wasn’t after me after all. I am however thankful to God that I and my friends got home safely.
If you made it this far, I thank you. Thank you for reading and please take an extra minute to say a prayer for our soldiers that don’t make it home to their loved ones everyday due to the reckless decision of others.
I survived with only a small scar. Jokes aside, there are so many lessons to be drawn from this story.
The devil plays hard but God created the game 🙂
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